Tips for Surviving Emotional Pain

from Survivors: Stories and Strategies to Heal the Hurt

John Preston, Psy.D.

Extremely dangerous and terrifying events...are almost always experienced as traumatic because of their severe intensity and because of the tremendous sense of powerlessness that often occurs. Most people who live through them are haunted by extreme anxiety, nightmares, and memories for weeks (and many times for months or years) after the event itself. Such tragedies profoundly affect a person’s sense of safety in the world and can unleash agonizing questions about the meaningfulness and fairness of life. 

Take some time to reflect on your own painful experiences, to admit to yourself that your emotional pain is real, to recognize that countless others face similar circumstances, and to allow yourself some modest optimism that you may be able to grow beyond the pain. 

People in emotional pain often make three primary errors: (1) they believe that stressful life events are “no big deal,” and if hard times do occur, the pain should go away quickly. (2) They engage in a ruthless attack on their worth as human beings: “I shouldn’t feel this way.” “ I must be crazy.” “There’s something wrong with me.” (3) They compare their pain with that of other people: “It could be worse. Others suffer more.” 

Certain natural emotional healing processes and mechanisms exist within the human psyche. For example, something about crying promotes healing, yet, many people have learned early in life that they should not cry. For them, crying is a sign of weakness or inadequacy. But, an emotional loss not resolved, like any unhealed wound, may continue to be a source of tremendous (psychological) pain for many years to come. 

Certain amounts of pain can be tolerated, but beyond a certain point, pain can be overwhelming for everyone. Pop psychology has suggested that it’s good to “get in touch with your feelings,” however, caution is important. 

The unearthing of strong feelings must be done at the proper time, in a proper context of safety and trust, and at their own pace. 

Emotions are our main source of aliveness and – at times of severe stress – of tremendous human suffering, It’s healthiest to allow yourself to experience your feelings within your own “zone of emotional tolerance.” 

 Characteristics of Emotional Health:

1. Ability to feel emotions deeply

2. Ability to identify and understand inner feelings and needs

3. Self-entitlement: it’s okay to feel good about yourself

4. Self-assertion: it’s okay to express yourself

5. Self-soothing: taking care of yourself

6. Capacity for intimate relationships

7. Commitment

8. Permission to be human, ordinary

Very major events have lasting effects, however, with time and emotional healing, the anguish decreases in intensity and the memory of the painful event slips into the background. At some point, people start to feel “normal” again. 

During times of emotional crisis people can take steps to more successfully ride out emotional storms:

Three primary approaches have been shown to be quite effective in reducing some of the symptoms associated with life stress: changing unhealthy habits, relaxation, and appropriate use of medications.