An Interview with Stanlee Phelps, M.S.W.,

co-author with Nancy Austin, M.B.A., of

The Assertive Woman
(4th Edition)

•  How would your life be different if you hadn't become an assertive woman?
Of course, I'll never know. I can only imagine. Prior to learning to be an assertive woman, I was most like Dorrie Doormat, silently suffering the indignations of feeling frequently victimized. My relationships centered around trying to please others and fearing the consequences of failure to do so. My world was relatively small. If I hadn't become an assertive woman, I would most certainly not be a successful Executive Coach, able to guide executives in holding on to their values and sense of self while meeting the complex challenges of leadership in today's corporate world. Also, if I weren't an assertive woman, I would not enjoy the quality of relationship with friends and family that comes with being authentic and being able to receive as well as to give.

•  In your book, you describe four categories of behavior: passive, aggressive, indirectly aggressive, and assertive. I get the impression, though, that the only "correct" answer is assertive. Is that true?
Absolutely NOT! Any of the four behaviors when used exclusively can be self-destructive. If you attempt to adopt an assertive woman persona as the only correct way to be, you risk being an assertiveness robot! The whole point of being assertive is to exercise CHOICE. There are times when it may be appropriate, even desirable, to be passive or aggressive. The key is to acknowledge that there are consequences associated with each choice and to be willing to live with those consequences. To consciously and responsibly choose any of the four behaviors is an act of assertion.

•  Of all the women you've met, which one was the greatest challenge to you when helping her to become assertive?
My own mother. Her inability to overcome feeling helpless and powerless in many situations frustrated me the most. Eventually I let go of trying to "fix" her and allowed myself to have compassion for her life's struggles. This contributed to our closeness. I came to realize that she held up a mirror for me to see the same struggles in myself.

•  In the beginning, assertiveness meant certain behaviors or ways to express what I wanted or felt in particular situations. Now I'm hearing about "an assertive lifestyle." What's the difference?
You're right. In the beginning we spoke of tools and techniques to use in specific situations to defend yourself from things that happen TO you. On the other hand, with an assertive lifestyle, one has an assertive mindset that is more of an overall attitude and approach to life vs. techniques. This lifestyle choice is a commitment to be authentic and proactive in your daily life.

•  You write about "The Compassion Trap." I am uncomfortable with it. Do you mean feeling compassion for someone else is a problem? Since when is compassion a trap?
Compassion is a wonderful virtue, except when it is used excessively toward others to the exclusion of taking care of yourself. The "Compassion Trap" is taking compassion to an extreme and denying your own needs. This can lead to your feeling bitterness and resentment — just the opposite of what you wanted in the first place. Over time a person can feel taken for granted, which can easily create a victim mentality.

•  We hear a lot about how assertiveness is an advantage, both personally and professionally. Are there disadvantages as well? What about the cost of assertiveness?
There's an upside and a downside to most behaviors, including assertiveness. For example, if you say "no," you run the risk of disappointing someone. Expressing yourself openly and honestly may not go over so well with people who only want to hear what pleases them. There will be those that don't want you to be assertive, because they are uncomfortable with change. However, most people come to value and appreciate your assertiveness as they discover the rewards it brings to them. Over time, the advantages greatly outweigh the disadvantages.

•  Assertiveness isn't just for women, is it? Don't men need to learn how to become assertive, too?
Men can equally benefit from learning to be assertive. Many men have felt trapped in performing certain roles and behaviors expected of them as men. It's exciting for them to realize that they have choices too. In fact, we have received feedback from men exclaiming how liberating it is for them to be assertive. Frequently men relate that it's a burden to attempt to live up to standards imposed on them. Therefore, some men relish the choice to be a stay-at-home dad or to pursue a not-so-macho career choice.

•  Do men really like assertive women? 
You bet they do! It's a lot more fun to have a partner who is expressive and willing to take the initiative. Our husbands have enjoyed answering this question at our speaking engagements. They can cite many examples of the advantages of being married to an assertive woman.