"I wish I could hold your hand..."

A Child's Guide to Grief and Loss

•  Do children experience grief?  
Yes, they certainly do. Often adults are too upset themselves to notice a child's grief. Children can become more withdrawn, quieter, less demanding when they are overwhelmed with feelings. They may not have the vocabulary to describe feelings of sadness or loss, but they still have the feelings.
 

•  What can I do as a parent (grandparent, counselor, relative, therapist) to help the child?
There are many things you can do. The first is to pay attention to the child. Notice if there has been a change in behavior — perhaps bed wetting or sleeping more or nightmares, whining, etc.

Second, be there for your child. Be present. Listen to him or her. When a loved one goes away, the child often thinks it is because he or she caused it... by being bad or misbehaving in some way. Please reassure the child it is not his or her fault; he or she didn't cause the accident, the death, the person going away.

Third, this is a time when touching is important. Comfort your child by holding, hugging, rocking, patting, kissing, stroking — such as hair brushing or towel drying.

Fourth, think of special comfort foods that your child likes — such as Jell-O, cereal, ice cream — and prepare it for him or her.

Fifth, ask your child what would help him or her to begin to feel better — maybe a special activity, such as going to the beach, a ride on the merry-go-round, etc.

Sixth, If the sadness lasts longer than four weeks, find a grief counselor for your child.

•  Is it a good idea to give your child a comforting stuffed animal or a blanket or a pet?
For the young child a stuffed animal, a comforter on his or her bed, a night light, soft music, and bedtime stories are all good ideas. The child needs to feel safe and be surrounded by soft, comforting things.

Older children who ask for a pet and are capable and responsible enough to take care of it  will probably learn a lot about love and comforting themselves.

•  Can children talk about their feelings when they are grieving a loss?
Yes, if you are willing to listen to them patiently. You can ask, "Where does it hurt?" You can even express how you are feeling the grief that the child is feeling. Your child may not have the words to adequately describe these feelings. You can describe your own feelings and help your child to learn the words. Also, pictures can be helpful. With your child you can look at pictures of people who are also hurting.

With older children, just be there for them and let them talk when they feel like it.

•  Will my children remember this sadness when they are older?
Yes, probably, if they are older than three or four.

•  Do you think the pictures in your book of the little girl grieving would help my three-year-old girl?  
Yes, definitely. You can read the book to your daughter while she looks at the pictures.

•  Do you think children go through the stages of grieving the same way
adults do?
Denial, guilt, rage, etc. Yes, they probably do go through a similar progression of feelings.