An Interview with John Preston, Psy.D.,

author of

•  In your book you make a distinction between “necessary” and “unnecessary” emotional pain. What does this mean?

All human beings will, at some point in their lives, encounter significantly difficult times, and on occasion tragedies. In the wake of such events, some amount of emotional suffering is inevitable. There is no way around this. Hearts break, losses pierce to the deepest recesses of our souls, many hoped-for dreams may not come true. Necessary pain is honest human suffering that is fundamentally unavoidable. It is deemed necessary in that what seems clear is that a degree of emotional expression is required for human beings to have their best shot at eventual healing.  At the heart of healing rituals practiced almost universally by religious and spiritual communities and also a central feature in psychotherapy is the expression of painful feelings and a sharing of personal experiences with trusted others.  There are two old sayings that have merit: “You must feel to heal” and “Pain that is shared is easier to bear.”

Unnecessary pain, unfortunately, is all too common in our society. It derives from three main sources: 
1.  In the wake of serious life stresses, many people launch into a ruthless attack on the self, e.g. ”What the hell is wrong with me,” “I am being too emotional,” “I feel like a complete loser.” Such beliefs pour salt into already painful wounds. 
2.  In order to numb pain, many people resort to substance use/abuse (especially alcohol and excessive caffeine use). This temporarily may reduce some of the emotional pain, but can destroy sleep and greatly aggravate ultimate suffering. 
3.  Excessive bottling-up of emotions is not a good long-term solution. A “grit your teeth…get on with your life” mentality is a common solution that backfires. The result often is a much greater likelihood of depression, unresolved grief, or stress-related medical disorders.

An important key to facilitating emotional healing and growth is to be able to reduce or eliminate these sources of unnecessary pain while at the same time, accepting and honoring the need for expressing necessary pain. Admittedly, this is often much easier said than done. In Survivors we explore many different approaches and action strategies that can help people move toward emotional healing and personal growth.

•  In the book you speak about “affect phobia.” What is this concept?

In our culture many men are taught to be tough, strong, and non-emotional. “Be a man,” “Boys don’t cry.” Women too often are told, “You are too emotional,” or “You are being too sensitive.” A significant amount of shame is often experienced when we, as human beings, express strong feelings (especially feelings that are tender or painful and that are accompanied by a sense of openness and vulnerability). The result is a problem of almost epidemic proportions, where many if not most people in our society have come to feel tremendously uneasy with the expression of normal human feelings. The result is a tendency for over-repression of what basically are completely normal human feelings. So what’s wrong with this? Fundamentally, it cuts people off from a critical psychological process that may be essential for emotional healing. As noted above, some amount of access to inner emotions and an ability and willingness to share with trusted others is critical for optimal emotional healing. As a society, we have adopted beliefs that run contrary to what might otherwise be healthy, natural inclinations for emotional expression.

•  Many people going through very difficult times privately fear that their strong emotions are a sign of weakness, inadequacy, or psychological illness. This fear leads many people to feel tremendously reluctant to open up to others.

Certainly many people do suffer from psychological disorders. At the same time many hundreds of thousands of people are simply ordinary folks going through very rough times…people who possibly for the first time in their lives feel on the edge of overwhelm. Lots of people who seek out psychological counseling eventually come to see that their suffering has nothing to do with weakness or a psychiatric illness. Rather, they come to see that their suffering is an entirely understandable reaction to troubling or tragic life circumstances. When fears (such as, “there is something terribly wrong with me”…or, “I think I am going crazy”) and shame are reduced, many people then can open up to the realities of their suffering, share this with the therapist, and begin the work of healing, recovery, and growth. Removing the barriers of shame and fear is a critical first step in emotional healing.

•  Why the title “Survivors”?

In the midst of emotional crises, people can’t help but notice their pain and often are dominated by and keenly aware of experiences that paint a picture of dysfunction (such as ineffective attempts to cope or solve problems, relationships that seem to go from bad to worse, times of feeling emotionally overwhelmed or out of control). Yet the truth is that despite significant suffering, many, many individuals ultimately discover their own tremendous resiliency. Ultimately the ability to be a survivor is generally not just a matter of good luck or the passage of time. In most instances it rests on the abilities of people to discover inner strengths, to turn to others for support, and to take decisive actions. In Survivors I help people to notice, appreciate, and build upon such strengths.

The concept of “Time Heals All Wounds” may sometimes be true. But it is also a point of view that is passive. In the throes of significant emotional upheaval, sitting and waiting for time to pass is not an especially helpful strategy. “Survivors” is a book packed with very specific action plans designed to help people to get mobilized…to actively cope more effectively and to facilitate emotional healing and recovery from a very wide array of common difficult human experiences.