For Divorced Parents in Conflict - Adversaries Always Lose

For Immediate Release

November 2007

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For Divorced Parents in Conflict:
Adversaries Always Lose

“Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore. But we both still love you very much.”

It's one of the most agonizing declarations a parent can make. Yet every year the parents of one million kids struggle to offset the damaging effects divorce can have on the family's youngest members. How do you put aside your differences for the sake of your children when you are angry or hurt? How do you raise your kids to be healthy, well-adjusted individuals despite ongoing strife with your ex-spouse?

“First,” says Dr. Philip Stahl, psychologist and custody evaluator in Maricopa County , Arizona , “if you can’t yet actually forgive your ex, you can at least learn to limit your kids’ exposure to your conflicts.”

Parents in conflict, Dr. Stahl emphasizes, need to stop blaming each other and focus on themselves and their own behavior. “There is really only one person you can control,” he asserts, “yourself! If each of you maintains self-responsibility, your children will grow up with less conflict in their lives and more inner peace.”

Parents must pursue four primary goals, Stahl urges, to ensure their children a healthy adaptation to divorce:

• Stay involved!

• Maintain continuity in your child's life!

• Avoid conflict in front of your kids!

• Talk with your children!

Stahl, author of Parenting After Divorce: Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children's Needs, 2nd ed. (Impact Publishers), focuses on understanding your children's developmental needs and formulating an effective parenting plan despite your problems with your ex-spouse. He suggests this plan include such detailed topics as supporting your child's relationship with the other parent, enhancing your own parent-child relationship, and handling your feelings constructively.

For special problems such as the alienation of children, domestic violence and abuse, and a difficult ex-spouse, Dr. Stahl outlines interventions including mediation, parent education, custody evaluation, and the use of a co-parenting counselor. Pointing out that “adversaries always lose,” he proposes an alternative vision for courts discouraging litigation as a means of solving family problems.

“Remember that the conflict and fighting hurts kids worse than the divorce,” he urges. “Conflicts after the divorce only intensify painful feelings.” A uniquely revealing section of the book highlights kids’ comments about growing up in a divorced family.

“Parents can be an excellent example of conflict-resolution,” Dr. Stahl sums up. “At every age, listen to your child's feelings, make rules you believe in, and support your child's relationship with the other parent. Teach children the skills they will need to be independent adults, while encouraging them to understand themselves and make goals for the future.”

Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D., is a board-certified forensic psychologist specializing in high conflict divorce in private practice in Maricopa County , Arizona . He conducts continuing education trainings for psychologists, attorneys, judges, and evaluators who work with these families. He has written extensively in the area of custody evaluations and divorce. His prior books include Complex Issues in Custody Evaluations and Conducting Child Custody Evaluations: A Comprehensive Guide.

Parenting After Divorce, 2nd Edition, is published as a trade paperback and available at online and local bookstores nationwide or directly from Impact Publishers, P.O. Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423-6016, www.impactpublishers.com, or phone 1-800-246-7228.