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Better to Give Than to Receive?

Finding Balance in Your Self-Interest

            Doris believed that honorable, decent and considerate people do not put their own needs before those of others, especially when dealing with loved ones. She thought that only selfish people who failed to care about the feelings and wishes of others would ever put their own desires first. However, she often felt that her relatives and friends took unfair advantage of her and did not repay her in kind. Inwardly, she usually felt resentful but never expressed her feelings. Many of her friends regarded her as “a bit of a martyr.”

            Doris didn’t understand the vast difference between selfishness (satisfying your own needs at the expense of others) and enlightened self-interest (looking after yourself, but not at the cost of others). In the long run, her own interests are best served by taking into consideration the needs of others, and thinking about others who benefit when she takes care of herself.

            There are three possible approaches:

            1. Consider yourself first and foremost and, if necessary, trample over others to get what you want. (Those who operate according to this prescription often end up in serious trouble.)

            2. Always put others before yourself. (Such a degree of unselfishness also results in unhappy outcomes.)

            3. Care for and about yourself, but take others into account. (This is clearly the best alternative.) You fulfill your obligations to others, but are prepared to defend, pursue or promote what you believe to be your reasonable rights.

            Related to the statements above is the notion that it is better to give than to receive. Why? This mistaken idea has led many people to be extremely ungracious about accepting things from others. Often, another person may derive pleasure from giving or doing something for you, but if you are reluctant or unwilling to accept it, the giver may feel rejected. The point is that neither giving nor receiving is better. It is best to give and receive.

            Thus, when Sam suggested to his friends that they all go out to a fish restaurant for dinner, was Billy being selfish by saying that since he is allergic to seafood, he would prefer to eat elsewhere? If he had selflessly gone along with the crowd and simply eaten rolls and butter, would this make him a better person? Emphatically not!

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Adapted from Don’t Believe It For A Minute: Forty Toxic Ideas That Are Driving You Crazy, by Arnold A. Lazarus, Ph.D., Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D., and Allen Fay, M.D.  Available at online and local bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, Inc., PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423, www.bibliotherapy.com or phone 1-800-246-7228.