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Can
Relationships be Rational?
Renowned
Psychologist Says Yes
Have you ever
wondered whether your relationship is healthy? Do
you think your partner is behaving irrationally or holding unhealthy
beliefs? Moreover, have you wondered if your own beliefs or
behaviors are rational? World renowned psychologist Dr. Albert Ellis can
tell you!
Best known for his ground-breaking Rational Emotive Behavior
Therapy (REBT) method,
Dr. Ellis distills his expertise in a series of question-and-answer
format FAQ’s taken directly off his popular “Ask Dr. Ellis”
website and answered in his book, Ask
Albert Ellis.
His focus is on guiding people to healthy behavior, healthy
thinking, and healthy emotions.
In the following samples, Dr. Ellis imparts sage relationship
advice:
Q:
Isn’t it true that some
irrational/unprovable beliefs can have a healthy effect on an
individual? (e.g., My relationship with my wife is Fabulous!)
A:
In
REBT, irrational beliefs are not merely defined as those that are
unrealistic (anti-factual) or illogical... but include those that are
usually unrealistic and illogical and
also do harm to you and/or your social group. If you believe that your wife is Fabulous when she is actually
fairly ordinary, that is unrealistic.
If you believe that because you love her, that makes her Fabulous
to everyone, that is unrealistic and illogical.
But these unrealistic and illogical beliefs are healthy
in that they help both you and your wife and presumably do not harm
anyone else. Therefore, in REBT theory and practice they are not
irrational. You are both damned lucky!
If
you believe that because you love her and because you see her as
Fabulous she will never make any mistakes nor treat you unkindly,
beware! That is probably unrealistic,
illogical and self-defeating!
Q:
How can I rationally deal
with the extreme anger and hurt that I am experiencing as a result of my
significant other’s affair, and the lies that went along with it?
A:
Hurt is largely the result of your noting your significant
other’s affair and telling yourself how wrong it is and how bad are
the lies that went with it. These are your views and you are entitled to them. But you are also demanding that he absolutely
must not be wrong and absolutely
should not lie to you. You therefore create great hurt (self-pity) and rage. If you unconditionally accept him as a fallible human being who
easily does wrong things, you will still feel healthily sorry and
disappointed in his behavior,
but not condemn him totally as a
person, for behaving this way.
Q:
If a person in a committed
relationship cheats on the other, wouldn’t feelings of guilt be
warranted, and not from irrational thoughts?
A:
REBT accepts... rational guilt -- as long as it involves your
taking responsibility for your acts that harm other people, but not
putting yourself down as a person
for committing them. Rational or healthy guilt consists of telling yourself, “I
acted destructively and will do my best to prevent myself from doing so
again.” ... Most people often damn themselves
as well as their behaviors for
their wrong doings, and REBT shows them how to rate their actions
(or thoughts and feelings) but not their selves
as “bad.”
Albert Ellis, Ph.D., is founder of the Albert Ellis Institute
for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy in New York City, with affiliated
centers throughout the world. In his ninetieth year, he travels the
world presenting lectures and workshops on rational thinking, feeling
and action in response to universal emotional and relationship issues.
Author of over sixty-five books, he is perhaps the best known and most
honored psychologist of our time.
--------------------------------------------------------
Adapted
from Ask Albert Ellis: Straight
Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist,
by
Dr. Albert Ellis.
Available at online and local bookstores or directly from Impact
Publishers, Inc., PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423,
www.bibliotherapy.com
or phone
1-800-246-7228.
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