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Congruence
Takes Courage Expressing Your Feelings Without Blaming It
takes courage to express feelings even though we are concerned that we
might be misunderstood. If partners care enough about their
relationship, they will be courageous in sharing perceptions and
feelings. No issues will be off limits. They will talk about their
differences, feelings of anger, rejection or despair. Congruent
communication is always a “work in progress” -- it takes a lifetime
of practice. In healthy satisfying relationships, couples work at
becoming more and more congruent. They realize the best way to change a
partner’s response is to change their own (i.e., talk less, talk more,
be honest, don’t criticize). To
be courageous requires that you not only express emotions but also take
responsibility for the emotions. To be congruent in your communication,
share your feelings in a way that demonstrates you
own the feeling, rather than that you believe the feeling was caused by your partner. For example, you can say, “I feel
pressured to do this your way,” rather than, “Get off my back.” A
technique to use in expressing feelings is stating feelings in “I
messages.” An “I message” has three parts: 1.
Describe the behavior without blaming. 2.
State your feelings. 3.
State what the consequences might be. Here
is an example of an “I message”: “When you are late coming home at
night, I feel anxious because I worry that you may have been in an
accident.” In
the example, “When you are late coming home at night...” describes
the behavior, “I feel anxious...” states your feeling, and
“...because I worry that you may have been in an accident,” states
the consequences you fear. The
next time you hear yourself expressing a feeling by saying, “It’s
your fault...” or “You make me...” think of how you could have
expressed the feeling with an “I message.” By
accepting responsibility for feelings, partners can change a
relationship from one of complaining to one of open, honest
communication. This might not stop the behavior, but increases that
possibility. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Adapted from Time for
a Better Marriage, by Jon Carlson, Psy.D. and Don Dinkmeyer, Sr.,
Ph.D. Available at online
and local bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, Inc., PO Box
6016, Atascadero, CA 93423, www.bibliotherapy.com
or phone 1-800-246-7228.
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