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Discipline and House Rules after Divorce
One of the questions that often comes up after divorce is how
discipline of the children will be handled in two households. Parents
often do not have the same values, child-rearing philosophies, or
approaches to discipline. This is true whether they are living together
or apart. While together, they usually either moderate their views and
approaches to accommodate the other parent, or one parent does most of
the discipline (“Just wait until your father gets home”). In many
cases, parents have different views on discipline, starting when their
child is very young.
Now that separation has occurred and the parents are living
apart, they are (or see themselves) freer to “raise the children as I
think they should have been raised all along.” In a few cases this can
lead to pretty diverse views. More often, however, the parties
understand the importance of consistency in child rearing and agree to
work together to provide the needed consistency.
“Discipline” and “house rules” are two areas that require
discussion. “House rules” are just that — rules or guidelines that
parents use to give guidance to children and establish expectations for
their behavior. Examples include: household chores, homework, laundry,
bath schedules (if they are teenagers — trying to keep them out of the
bathroom; if they are pre-teens trying to get them into the bathroom),
acceptable language, driving, and dating rules. “Discipline” is what
is required when children don’t comply with house rules.
The questions that arise from these issues revolve around whether
there will be house rules; if so, will they be the same in both
households? Will they be posted (written up and displayed) so there will
be less confusion? If they are different for each household, will they
be shared with the other parent? How often will they be adjusted,
amended, or expanded? Additionally, and very importantly, will
discipline follow the children or be kept within the household?
What does this last question mean? Let’s say that it is Friday
afternoon and your 7-year-old calls to you, “Mommy, come and see.”
When you get to his room, you find the most beautiful rainbow you have
ever seen… drawn in permanent magic marker across the door. Since he
has made forays into inappropriate art in the past you say, “That’s
it! I have had it. You are grounded for the weekend. No TV, no computer,
and no phone.” Just then you hear “toot-toot, beep-beep,” and
it’s your (soon-to-be) ex coming to pick up the child for their
weekend together.
The question is, does the discipline follow the child to the
other parent’s home, or wait until the child returns? There is no
absolute “right” answer; however, it would be a good idea for the
two of you to have an understanding in advance of how these situations
will be handled. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Adapted
from Getting Apart Together: The
Couple’s Guide to a Fair Divorce or Separation, by Martin A.
Kranitz. Available at online and local
bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, Inc., PO Box 6016,
Atascadero, CA 93423, www.bibliotherapy.com or phone
1-800-246-7228. |