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Do You Should,
Ought or Must People? Differentiating
Between Requests and Demands People who
use too many shoulds, oughts,
musts and have-tos are
very demanding and unpleasant, and they make life miserable for
themselves and others. We see many people in our consulting rooms who
make demands, who strongly insist on things. They typically have a
history of acrimonious divorce, no friends, and many problems on the
job. Known
as “categorical imperatives,” shoulds, oughts and musts create anger
and guilt. “You should have
done X and not Y!” and “He should
have known better!” are expressions of anger.
“I shouldn’t have
said that!” and “I should
have done XYZ!” are statements of guilt. It’s
obviously not just the word should
that creates the problem, it’s the demanding should. There’s nothing
wrong with saying, “You should remember to take the recycling bins to
the curb if you want them to be collected.” That’s what we call a soft should. It differs from the demanding should, in that soft
shoulds have an “if” statement following them that mentions a
specific consequence. “You should have known better than to leave the
dishes in the sink!” Compare that to: “You should put your dish in
the dishwasher if you want to help me clean up.” Better yet, try to
state the request without using the word should
at all, such as “Please try to remember to put your dishes in the
dishwasher.” When
people are able to drop their demands, to change their shoulds into
preferences, amazing benefits often result. Try to catch yourself each
time you lay a should, ought or must on someone. Change the should into
a request or a preference. Instead of angrily saying, “You should
have introduced me to your cousin!” you can say, “I wish you had introduced me to your cousin.” Instead of insisting,
“You must not smoke in the
house!” you can say, “I’d prefer
that you smoke outside.” The fewer shoulds, oughts and musts you use,
the better off you, your loved ones and your associates will be. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Adapted
from The 60-Second Shrink: 101
Strategies for Staying Sane in a Crazy World, by Arnold A. Lazarus,
Ph.D. and Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D. Available at online and local
bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, Inc., |