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Down
With Put-Downs! Assertively
Responding to Negative Comments They
happen to the best of us: people who can’t seem to resist zinging us
with that put-down. Instead of freezing up or letting it get to you,
here are some suggestions for effectively dealing with put-downs: Ignore
it.
This is often the most effective choice. We don’t suggest that
you walk off in a huff, working up a head of steam all the while. If you
choose this option, it means you literally let the remark pass. You may,
of course, add a little touch of your own, as a friend did: a sales rep
from an audio-visual equipment company was demonstrating a new slide
projector to the support staff in her office. At one point in the
demonstration, the rep said to Cynthia, “This projector is so easy to
disassemble that even you could do it.” Cynthia’s reaction? She
broke up laughing! Without saying a word, she responded from strength
and confidence, making the put-down small and petty, not herself. (That
rep didn’t get that order, either!) Respond
with a direct assertive statement. Some put-downs are part of
a pattern which must be addressed. Kathleen’s boss, for example,
constantly patronized her by following every request with, “There’s
a good girl,” a remark that made Kathleen’s blood boil. Ignoring it
was impossible. The next time her boss uttered those four words,
Kathleen said: “Please don’t call me a good girl. It’s
irritating.” She made her point assertively and although she found she
had to repeat it several times, she reports that it was an effective way
to handle the problem. Respond
in kind with a witty retort.
In the hands of Lily Tomlin or Whoopi Goldberg, a witty retort works
beautifully; but for most of us, it’s better to find a response we can
live with. One we still like: “You did a great job, considering
you’re a woman.” Response: “For a man, you didn’t do too bad
either.” There is nothing wrong with practicing a quick retort to give
you a feeling of control. Our advice, however, is: handle
with care. The objective is to hold on to your sense of worth, not
to attack. We
don’t all have Lily Tomlin’s winning sense of humor, but you can
record the put-downs you’ve received or heard and practice coming up
with effective retorts, either funny or direct. Remember: even if you
don’t have the perfect one-line response, effectively handling
put-downs will help you retain your sense of self-worth. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Adapted from
The Assertive Woman (4th Edition),
by Stanlee Phelps and Nancy Austin. Available at online and local
bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, PO Box 6016, Atascadero,
CA 93423, www.bibliotherapy.com
or phone 1-800-246-7228.
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