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Must
We Put Up with Put-downs? Remember
those times in life when you felt belittled by somebody? The feeling may
have resulted from a look, expression or shrug. Or someone’s words may
have provoked a feeling of worthlessness. You
feel perplexed. You start to doubt yourself and feel down. Put-downs
provoke a cloud of darkness or confusion and may stand out in your mind
for years. You
say, “Of course there are a lot of put-downs. That’s because there
is so much to criticize!” Perhaps. People do scowl at looks, dress,
lifestyle, mannerisms, work performance, speech. It’s easy to come up
with ways to let others know they are not OK. Most
of us add to the problem of put-downs from others by putting ourselves
down as well. If you were traveling to a distant location and remembered
en route that you’d forgotten to bring something you’ll need when
you get there, what would you do? If you’re like most of us, you’ll
likely let go with some expletive or caustic comment about your
“stupidity.” Only the most sensitive and self-disciplined among us
have presence of mind enough to take a deep breath, forgive ourselves
for being human, and look for a way to solve the problem and move on —
in short, to “deal with it.” Do
you have to put up with put-downs? No! Here are some of the most common
put-down behaviors and what to do about them: The Direct Verbal Put-down:
“You Fool!” This type of behavior is
obvious: another person is verbally “dissing” you. Here are
effective ways to deal with a direct verbal put-down: • allow the person to vent
feelings, and to slow down; • acknowledge the other
person’s feelings; • when you are wrong,
admit it, even in the face of insult; • assert yourself about
the way he or she is reacting; • make a short comment to
bring the encounter to an end. These steps will help
resolve a put-down encounter where the intent is out in the open. Indirect Verbal Put-downs:
“Nice Work, for a Woman.” Such indirect verbal
put-downs are indirect aggression.
Handle an indirect verbal put-down first by asking for more
information., such as “What are you saying?” or “What
do you mean?” This helps clarify the person’s true intent (you may
have misunderstood).
Your second response will depend upon the other person’s
answer. Part of your goal in the situation, however, is to teach the
person a new way of behaving toward you. Also, when you ask for
clarification, you may get some valuable information about your own
behavior. Remember that a major goal of assertive behavior is to level
the playing field, to permit both people
to express themselves openly and honestly. It’s difficult for most of
us to give direct feedback about another person’s upsetting behavior,
so we often camouflage our comments by an indirect put-down style.
Digging further may help your future relationship with that person. Nonverbal Put-downs: Dirty
Looks and Obscene Gestures Nonverbal put-downs are much
harder to deal with because there are no words in the first place, and
the person may not even be consciously aware of the put-down. And you
can’t really be sure you accurately read the nonverbal message.
If another person aims an obviously
aggressive nonverbal put-down toward you, try to get the person to
use words instead of gestures. You might say assertively, “I’m not
sure what you’re saying. Could you translate that look (gesture) into
words for me?” Remember to avoid confrontational nonverbal behavior
yourself. Be prepared for a verbal put-down and respond according to the
suggestions given above.
Self-Put-downs: “I’m
Such a Jerk.” Outer conflict is only half
of the picture. Inner conflict can also result in put-downs. The
offender in this case is you. Put-downs
are generated by conflicts, external or internal.
Be careful about how you deal with yourself. Try not to take
flight (nonassertively) and neglect or escape your inner put-down
behavior. Don’t be too caustic and condemning (aggressively) with your
inner thoughts and feelings either. Take the middle ground: deal with
yourself assertively. Be honest, open, straightforward with yourself.
Try to figure out the source of your inner conflict. Use the situation
as an opportunity to get to know yourself better.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Adapted from
Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness
and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (Eighth Edition),
by Robert E. Alberti, Ph.D. and Michael L. Emmons, Ph.D. Available
at online and local bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers,
PO
Box 6016, Atascadero, |