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When
Differences Make a Difference.
Differences
between partners in a relationship are natural because they naturally do
exist. Just as a difference in height between two people is natural, a
difference in thoughts, feelings, and behavior is also “normal” and
“natural.” When your partner criticizes you, and you do not agree
with the criticism, accept — rather than oppose — the fact that you
differ. Yes, indeed you differ — what two people do not? Free yourself
of your rancor about your obvious differences, accept the fact that
differences will always exist, and then it will be easy to find and
share good things about your mate.
Stop
stabbing yourself with the knife of your partner’s criticism — and
stop stabbing her back about it! Reframe criticism as a constructive
suggestion — even if not constructively presented — for you and your
partner to consider. Put aside your vulnerable ego, ignore any
deprecating tone, and think about the beneficial suggestions that may be
included — and perhaps hidden — in the criticism’s angry tone. If
you honestly find the “suggestion” a good one, say so. If you
don’t like the “suggestion,” thank your partner for his or her
good intentions to improve your relationship.
Even
carping criticism may include a good idea, or at least the spark of a
good idea. If you see it this way, a negative remark may still serve as
a springboard between you and your partner. Just the acknowledgment of
your mate’s good intentions can soothe bad feelings and help him
become more receptive to your own suggestions.
Suppose
that you see your partner’s criticism as an arrogant demand. A demand
that you change your ways! What then? If you are wise, you can still
reframe this demand as a proposal, look to find the “good idea” as a possibility to consider. However blastingly it is presented, think
of it as a suggestion that you can choose to take — or to acknowledge
without anger, and ultimately to ignore.
When
you feel critical of your partner, acknowledge again that you may have a
difference with her, rather than blaming your partner. Then discuss and plan how the two of you may
possibly deal with that difference.
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Adapted
from Making Intimate Connections:
Seven Guidelines for Great Relationships and Better
Communication, by Dr.
Albert Ellis and Ted Crawford.
Available at online and local bookstores or directly from Impact
Publishers, Inc., PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423,
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