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When Good Intentions Go Bad

Learning to Appreciate Instead of Criticizing

Most people seem more ready to criticize than to appreciate. Their “good intention” to help their partner is often seen as an “unfair attack” that needs to be defended against. Then the emotional distance between the partners grows larger.

In your own case, you may have noticed that your sharp – and frequent – criticism tends to trigger woeful antagonisms. Your partner may well see it as an unloving and uncalled-for intention to control, or as a demand for perfection that violates his right to be a fallible, imperfect human. Reacting to this “unfair” attack, he may weakly conform to your demands, and hate you and himself for being “cowardly.” Or, of course, he may become stubbornly rebellious and increase the behavior you hate – just to show you that you are indubitably wrong, wrong, wrong. Your criticism thus works wonders to “inspire” more of what you don’t want – greater bickering and fighting!

Actually, criticism is usually unnecessary, because if you want to help your partner change, there are noncritical ways for you to do this. Note again that we have not said “never criticize.” Our more realistic message is “seldom criticize.” Instead, frequently appreciate your partner – especially in small things.

Consider Frank and Francis, and look at Frank’s self-defeating must: “I must be honest with  Frances and get her to stop and think carefully – as, of course, she should do! – before she opens her stupid mouth!” He then blasted her with his “honest” and “correct” opinion. Though he often had “the best intentions,” she heard his “worst” ones. The message she received (“I can’t do anything right!”), was not the message he wanted to send! Criticizing your partner, however good your intentions are, can be quite a dangerous tactic. Watch it! Think it through before you speak.

Before Frank learned to accept Frances “as is,” he found very little to appreciate about her. When she made a suggestion he didn’t like, he quickly responded with, “That’s a stupid idea!” As you can imagine, that observation went over like the proverbial “lead balloon.” Frank mistakenly believed, “I must be honest with Frances and get her to stop and think before she acts so stupidly!” Instead, she usually concluded, “He doesn’t respect my opinion, or respect me. I hate it when he puts me down! I can’t stand it! I’ve got to get out of this marriage! I can’t please him, as I have to do! If I stay, I’m a weakling!” So instead of considering that her suggestion to Frank may have had flaws, she angrily felt that she had to uphold it and “prove” that it was valid.

After Frank learned to accept Frances “as she is,” Frank saw the value of expressing his appreciation frequently, and would sometimes diplomatically ask, “Are you sure that is what you want me to do?” Frances would pause, do some thinking out loud, and usually come to agree with him on her own, without his having to say anything more. In this new context, Frank was easily able to give Frances some honest appreciation for how intelligent she was. When he did this, she felt respected, and he felt good in his relationship with her. He started to tell himself, as well as other people, “You know, I have a very intelligent wife.” He now found many things to appreciate about Frances, and took pride in many of her actions.

When Frank used Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy and learned to accept his wife “as is” and show frequent appreciation, he helped his wife feel appreciated, rather than criticized, and she often started to move toward his position. Surprisingly, people usually move toward your position when you are sincerely interested in exploring theirs. Why? Because your interest in their position creates more trust of the value of your opinion. They may not adopt your position, but they are more likely to move in your direction. You thereby, non-coercively and positively, influence them.

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Adapted from Making Intimate Connections: Seven Guidelines for Great Relationships and Better Communication, by Dr. Albert Ellis and Ted Crawford.  Available at online and local bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, Inc., PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423, www.bibliotherapy.com or phone 1-800-246-7228.