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Will Kindness Overcome Unkindness?

            Sally’s husband was often abusive. One morning, over breakfast, Hugh began to shout at her because she was on the phone instead of keeping him company. Later that morning, she picked up his shirts from the laundry, ran some other errands for him, and decided to cook his favorite dish for dinner. They had agreed from the beginning of their marriage that Hugh would work for pay and Sally would keep their home, and she thought that if she could only create an “ideal” loving home atmosphere, his abusive behavior would stop.

            Sally was rewarding her husband’s negative behavior. In response to his outbursts, Hugh found his chores done for him and he was served his favorite dinner. Why would he change his treatment of his wife when she responds so positively? Behavior is influenced largely by its consequences. The events that follow an action will weaken or strengthen it. If Sally is nice to Hugh when he treats her badly, she is teaching him to continue being abusive. If she showed him instead that she was willing to be especially kind and helpful only when he was considerate and loving, a positive pattern might be more likely to develop.

            Spousal abuse is a complex problem, and Hugh didn’t start abusing Sally because she was nice to him. Chances are he himself was abused as a child (most abusers have been victims). The problem here, however, is that Sally has let Hugh know that it’s okay for him to abuse her; she’ll even do special favors for him in spite of his being abusive. To a large degree, we teach others how to treat us. By enduring — and even rewarding — Hugh’s abusive behavior, Sally gives him the message that it’s okay to treat her that way. It’s time for her to interrupt that downward cycle.

            Kindness in relationships is applauded, but not in response to abuse. Actor Alan Alda said it well: “Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they’re fair with you.”

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Adapted from Don’t Believe It For A Minute: Forty Toxic Ideas That Are Driving You Crazy, by Arnold A. Lazarus, Ph.D., Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D., and Allen Fay, M.D.  Available at online and local bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, Inc., PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423, www.bibliotherapy.com or phone 1-800-246-7228.