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Should You Go Negative in Your “Campaign” for Child Custody?
The following release is provided for our media friends. For additional information, email publicity@impactpublishers.com.
Should You Go Negative in Your “Campaign” for Child Custody?
Sometimes parents going through divorce focus on the negative when trying to win child custody. Is this a good idea?
If you believe that the other parent has some glaring deficiencies in parenting ability, it is perfectly proper to point these out to your custody evaluator. Indeed if the deficiencies would put your children at risk, you absolutely must point them out. However, don’t let your interview turn into a litany of complaints against the other parent, and be especially careful to avoid talking so much about the other parent that you don’t have time for a discussion of your strengths as a parent and your relationship to the children. Further, the way you state criticism is important. Try to state things in terms of what concerns you. Rather than saying, “I don’t like the way he loses his temper and yells at the children and me,” say, “It concerns me that the children seem so intimidated and fearful of their father because of the way he yells at all of us when he loses his temper.” Or, “I am concerned that our son is starting to show the same kind of volatility and anger as his father. I just don’t think that it is in his best interests to learn to control others by intimidation.” Instead of saying, “She is always late to pick up the children for visitation and sometimes she never shows up at all,” try a less frontal attack such as, “It concerns me to see the children so disappointed and hurt when Martha is late in picking them up or when she never shows up at all. I am afraid it will diminish their ability to trust others, and I don’t think that is in their best interests as they grow into adults.” Rather than saying, “Martha is dragging the kids into this litigation by talking to them constantly about custody issues,” you might say, “It concerns me that if Martha continues to talk to the children about custody and our court case, the children will be pulled into this litigation and preoccupied with worries and doubts about their future and our love for them. That’s not in their best interests.”
It is also important that criticism of the other parent be balanced. If the other parent dearly loves the children but is inexperienced in relating to them, give the other parent credit for that love. For example, you can say, “I know that John dearly loves the children, but I’m not sure he knows how to properly relate to them as a parent.” Or, you might say, “John has been a hard worker and a good provider, but I am concerned that his work hasn’t left him much time to learn how to deal with children and meet their needs.” This is so much more effective than, “John loves his job more than he does me or the children.”
Most important, if the children are young or even preteen, don’t insist that the evaluator ask the children with whom they want to live. At best it gives the impression that you have been discussing custody with the child, and, at worst, it gives the impression that you may be trying to program a child to parrot your views to the evaluator. If the children are teenagers or mature preteens, you may safely say something like, “Perhaps the children can tell you more about that,” and then drop the subject. The evaluator knows, without being reminded, that an interview with an older child is probably necessary.
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Adapted from The Child Custody Book: How to Protect Your Children and Win Your Case, by Judge James W. Stewart. Available at online and local bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, Inc., PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423,www.impactpublishers.com or phone 1-800-246-7228.
